It’s irrational. Or so I’ve been told.

I am ABSOLUTELY 100% scared of dying. Like, every 6 months or so since I was about 16, I get so scared. I am shaking, crying, can’t control it. It isn’t so much worrying that I’ll get hit by a car, or something. I can leave my home, day to day, and feel safe and sure in my actions. I am NOT suicidal. I hate pain, and end result could be death so no thank you.

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I’m worried about getting old and dying. I’m worried no one will remember me. I’m worried all my actions, good and bad, will be for nothing. So what I’ve made friends, ‘left an impression’. You’ll die too. So what I have a mom/husband/best friend/cat who loves me. They’ll all die one day too. One day it’ll just go black. That’s it. Everything I earned. Everything I did. Everything that I stressed about, cried about, worried about. Everything so minuscule, but in the moment it’s huge. I don’t want to be 95 and dying and go, Aw, I shouldn’t have worried about all that because it means nothing now. 

Nothing more, nothing less. I would like to think I’d be reincarnated but I’m not sure. I’m not religious, so I don’t think a god in a cloud would be waiting for me. I wouldn’t remember my past life then, so what’d be the point.  I’m just so fucking scared.